Nope. This is not a political statement. I was perusing the Victoria’s Secret catalogue and I found the cutest/sexiest/tiniest red bikini. The top was kind of this swirl of red ribbons and the bottom was held together by two gold hoops on each hip. Now, I wasn’t naïve enough to think this teeny bit of metal and fabric would be comfortable for scuba diving or serious water sports but I thought “It’s so cute and I did [a…single…one] TRX class! I could wear it for sunbathing and recreational swim, couldn’t I? Of course I can!”
I purchased the delightful red concoction and wore it off to the pool. It was a pool I had not been to before and when I entered I saw the main large pool and, to the side, a slightly smaller pool that was surrounded by screaming 8-11 year old boys. “Is that a kiddie pool?” I asked the nice lady at the lifeguard station. “No,” she replied. “It’s the dive pool. Just for diving.” THE DIVE POOL!!??? I went nuts. I love diving.
Without a second thought I kicked my flip flops to the side, abandoned my towel and made a beeline for the dive pool and the screaming 8 year olds. Shoving children aside, I totally cut to the front of line and ran out on the board and did a perfect (well, sort of; I thought it was anyway) dive into the water…and Bam! In a single nanosecond my tiny ribbon bikini top became a necklace and the bottom made a break for the water’s surface, apparently totally opposed to being used for diving practice. After a humiliating more-than-a-nanosecond of wrestling with the ribbon top and retrieving the other half of my suit, I exited the dive pool, thanking God that screaming raucous 8 year olds really could not care less what some crazy woman randomly diving with them is wearing (or not) and decided, with great sadness, that my swimwear would only permit sunbathing today.
I tried to regain some cheer (and dignity) and rescued my towel from its heap on the cement and laid out on one of the sun chairs and began to bake…literally. After about half an hour, I smelled something like metal burning. “What IS that?” I wondered, craning around to see. As I turned my head, my hips shifted and searing pain shot through me. WTF? I looked down and those adorable gold rings holding together the swimsuit bottom had heated up in the sun and were literally searing the flesh off my hips. I realized my swimwear was branding me and, with a scream, ran right back to the dive pool to jump in and get a dose of freezing water to stop the agony. After the requisite swimwear retrieval, I decided to call it a day. The swimsuit really did seem like such a great idea when I ordered it, darn it.