The other night, I was having dinner with male colleagues from my lawyer days and one made an off-hand comment about how I probably left the law because the industry, already competitive, is so much harder when women are “constantly back stabbing and bringing down other women.”  I have heard that before.  It’s a constant refrain from both men and women – women are so nasty and so new to the world of working (wtf?) that we perceive all other women as threats and work (passive aggressively, of course) to bring them all down so that only one women will succeed in whatever man’s world microcosm she happens to be in.  Ummm, in my personal experience, that’s – and please excuse the language I am about to use – bullshit. 

It’s one of those phrases that are constantly bandied about by people who don’t bother to look into whether it’s a massive over generalization that has any actual basis in reality.  My experience has been that there are lots of PEOPLE, male and female, who are great to work with in different capacities and a few PEOPLE, male and female, who would as soon stab you in the back or, frankly, in the face, as not.  I have seen just as many men fight to climb the perceived “ladder” over the backs of, and at the expense of, other men as I have seen women do the same to other women.  Both sexes, if already disposed to be doing that kind of thing in the first place, seem to be fairly equal opportunity about it – they’ll bring you down regardless of your gender if they perceive you as a threat to their advance.  To continuously ignore male competitiveness in the workplace and flippantly go on and on about women bringing down other women is a massive disservice to our gender.

I have had the dubious fortune of being part of some of those rather “elite” groups, like going to an Ivy League school, going to law school, being a lawyer for two large corporate firms, and so on, and also in perceived “non-elite” groups like when I worked as a janitress and a waitress.  I’ve also worked in publishing, the entertainment world, as a newscaster, actor and spokesperson.  I’ve run a non-profit in the arts.  Basically, I’ve worked with a lot of people across all sorts of socioeconomic groups, races and, obviously, both genders.  In all that experience, I have never felt like women were trying to bring me down any more than men.  There are people of both genders who view everything as a hostile competition which can only be won by one person, but they’re just some people.  When I was a lawyer, my mentors were a mix of women and men.  Two of my favorite mentors, who I stay in touch with to this day, are both women who bent over backwards to bring me up, support me and teach me.  In the non-profit I now run, I often find myself surrounded with brilliant women all eager to make a difference in the world and bringing their numerous skill sets to the table to push constructive social change, not to cut anyone down.  I also have worked with men of similar ilk. 

People are people.  If you go out there assured for no particularly great reason or because you had a bad experience with another women that all women are out to get you, I have no doubt you can – consciously or unconsciously – turn that belief into a personal reality for yourself, but why?  Women are no more likely to sabotage your promotion than like-minded men.  There will always be competition in the workplace and some competition is good – it’s what pushes us to be better and stronger and smarter.  How we choose to compete is up to us.  And how we choose to generalize – or not – about the genders and how they compete is also up to us.  What we say off-handedly with no offense intended – like my friend at dinner – is actually important.  It affects how others perceive the genders and impacts the way we treat one another in the first instance.  To say something like, “Well, women are always bringing each other down” is not only untrue, it’s irresponsible.   

So I said to my friend and we talked about it and then we had some very excellent cocktails and the night ended with everybody happy and nobody with knives between their shoulder blades.  Or anywhere else.  

I know, I know.  So many blog posts about making your own beauty products with oils.  They're so awesome, though!  I just can't stop.  I recently read about some more uses for coconut oil, some of which I've tried and wanted to share:

1.  For colds and congestion, mix coconut oil with a drop of peppermint essential oil and rub it on your chest.  I didn't have a cold and I wasn't congested so, instead, I put coconut oil and peppermint oil in a  Misto oil sprayer and sprayed it on my arms and legs and rubbed it in.  Nice tingly sensation, moisturizing and it smelled very energizing!

2.  For arthritis and post workout pain, mix coconut oil with 1/2 t cayenne pepper and 2 drops peppermint oil and rub it directly onto wherever is stiff and achy.  I tried this and, again, tingly and nice sensation but the cayenne is a little messy (don't wear white clothes while you do this) and it didn't provide amazing relief so...maybe try it and see how it works for you.  I get the sense if you're someone who likes Tiger Balm (it doesn't work for me), this would be good for you.

3.  For Eczema, mix coconut oil with calendula oil.   My feet were pretty dry so I tried this as more of a dry skin treatment on them and it worked beautifully.  If anyone has eczema and tries it, let me know if it's effective.  Another good oil for that is black currant oil, but it's much more difficult to obtain.

My day is not even close to over, however, it’s already included a series of adventures that made me want to take a break to say THANK YOU to all the fabulously nice people out there.  Just to state the obvious:  nice people are awesome.

I had a read through today for a great episodic I booked a small role on that I’ve never been on before so I was a little nervous.  The read through wasn’t far so I thought I’d take a chance and drive.  It was swelteringly hot and my car’s AC just decided to stop working and blow only hot air at me.  I had to go through the midtown tunnel through intense traffic and my GPS lost reception in the tunnel and went crazy as soon as I got out the other side, giving me a series of totally wrong and mutually exclusive instructions “Turn right!  Turn left!  Take Exit 14!  Incorrect!  Re-routing!  Make a U-turn when possible!”  In front of a bunch of police officers, I made what I am sure were two completely illegal U-turns, getting progressively more flustered, confused and panicked by my out-of-control GPS.  The police felt bad for me and gave me a pass.  Nice people thank you #1. 

Somehow, my GPS put me back through the tunnel and right back the way I came.  Then it shut off.  I called my significant other in a total panic.  I was going to be late (and soaked in sweat) to this and my GPS was dead and what was I going to do?!  Despite my incoherence, he put a work conference call on hold, Googled new directions and became my live GPS, taking me all the way back through the tunnel and via the correct turns.  I know this took a lot of time out of his day and that he had a frenetic back-to-back-meeting type of day but he made sure I got to my destination ok before he hung up.  Nice person #2.

Then came the search for parking!  I found a shady tree-lined street right in front of my destination with only one car parked on it!  BOO YAH!  I parked, looked for parking signs, saw none, and felt like things were looking up.  Then, a really nice man called to me from across the street, “Miss, you’ll get a ticket there!  The signs are all the way at the other end of the street but parking is prohibited.”  Indeed, it was, for the next two hours and there were no other spots anywhere.  Turns out this man worked on the show I was there for and he helped me remedy the parking situation just out of the kindness of his heart.  Nice person #3.

When I arrived at the studio, one of the established actors in the show took the time to say hi, chat with me and make me feel at ease and comfortable, which really meant a lot to me.  Nice person #4.

Now, I have a rehearsal for a screenplay of a very cool writer and the first public read and workshop of my own (first) screenplay, both tonight!  I am feeling pretty grateful to the writer who cast me, the moderator who is running the show, and all the talented actors who have generously volunteered their time to bring my piece alive.  As mushy as it sounds, I just send lots of gratitude to all these wonderful people and I’ll do my best to pay it forward.

I may be late to the game on this one but I just read an article about making a super healthy pizza covered with veggies.  The best part, though?  The crust!  You make it out of CAULIFLOWER!  Yes, and it is DELICIOUS!  Here's how:

Preheat your oven to 375 F and gather together about 3 lbs (a head) of cauliflower, an oil of your choice (I use olive oil), basil, black pepper, salt, garlic, some cheese (the recipe I used recommended 2 oz mozzarella and 1/2 oz. parmesan - I subbed in goat cheese), and 2 eggs or egg substitute.

Got it all?  So, first, chop the cauliflower (please use a blender unless you really love chopping veggies, which I don't).  Then, toss it in 2 t of olive oil until it's pretty coated.  Bake it on a baking sheet for about 22 min and let it cool while you turn your oven up to 450 F.  If needed, wrap the cauliflower in a towel and squeeze out any liquid so it's really, really dry.  The, combine the cauliflower with 1 t oil, 1/4 c basil, 1/8 t black pepper, salt and garlic to taste, and the cheese.  Press the mixture out into circles  (8" circles are ideal for individual crusts) and coat 'em with a spritz of olive oil.  Bake them until they brown (22 min), remove them and top them with whatever you like on your pizza (veggies!  More veggies!) and cook for about 7 min and presto!  Delicious and healthy pizza!  Yum.  Happy weekend!

Sometimes, really bad things happen to really good people.  We all suffer and we all face adversity on personal level, right?  But what about the situation when you see someone else suffering?  Maybe you try to help or maybe you're afraid to help.  Either way,  the situation profoundly impacts you.  That happened to me in 2013.  The year my grandmother, artist Josephine Chuch-Liu Yen, passed away.

My grandmothers were two of the strongest, smartest women I have ever met.  Both were immigrants to the United States, one from Ireland and one from China.  Both dealt with adversity through compassion and strength.   Both married men they loved.  Both lived long and productive lives.  The way their lives ended, however, differed greatly.  Although my Irish grandmother died of a long and dreadful illness, she was always surrounded by loving family who attended to her every need right up until the end.  My Chinese grandmother, on the other hand, complained of isolation, loneliness and abuse right before she died.  She was depressed and miserable and felt useless and alone.  It was a horrible and undeserved way to end the life of a beautiful (inside and out) woman.  I felt guilty and devastated by the experience.  I felt like I had not done enough to protect her or save her.  I felt like I had failed her when she had always been there for me.  For a little while, I crawled into a shell and let that eat away at me and, finally, I decided that, if I could, I would make something positive out of the darkness using my favorite medium - film.

Once Upon A Time...
This is actually how it all began...with a movie.  My grandmother told me she had been forced into a nursing home against her will and that she was miserable and alone and nobody would help her.  I began taping an oral history of my grandmother to distract her and give her (and me) a fun project to work on.  My grandmother was an artist born to a very wealthy family in Shanghai, China, who came to the United States in the 1940’s to attend Columbia University.  The Communist Revolution happened, her family lost everything and, like many lucky and wealthy Chinese at the time, she was able to stay in the United States.  This came with a high price tag – she lost her wealth, her education was cut short and she would never return to China or see her parents again.  One day, I asked her to describe her life in one sentence.  She said, “The opposite of a fairy tale.”  She then broke down and told me that she was being abused,  emotionally and financially.  So began a dreadful roller coaster ride that ultimately involved social workers and even the police, where I felt frustrated at every turn, trying to help her but coming face-to-face with the not uncommon roadblocks that impact the ability of the elderly – particularly Asian American women – to obtain help.  Following her death, I decided to create a film to try to shed light on this issue, using my grandmother’s story as a starting point.

The Mailbox
I remembered back in the 4th grade, my teacher showed my class a movie I believe was called "The Mailbox."  In the movie, an old woman lives alone, every day hoping to get a letter from her children or grandchildren.  Every day, she goes to the mailbox looking for such a letter.  Every day, she is disappointed.  Finally, one day, there is a letter!  Her daughter's name and address are in the return address block of the envelope!  The old woman is so happy, she starts to cry.  She runs inside and grabs the letter opener, literally shaking with joy as she rips the envelope open.  The excitement is too much and, before she can read the letter, she dies of a heart attack.  The camera pans to the contents of the envelope and it is a formal letter from the daughter telling the mother they are going to put her in a nursing home.  

That movie had a significant impact on me as a 9-year-old.  I vowed my older relatives would never suffer the way the old woman in the movie suffered.  It became my mission to fill my grandparents and elderly great aunt's mailboxes with letters.  For the rest of their lives, I wrote them a letter at least once a month over a period of decades.  That was how much impact a short film had on me as a 9-year-old.  I thought what if I could do the same thing to another child with another movie and perhaps prevent even one elder from being abused?  So began the genesis of a movie.  I decided to start by creating a short fictional film focused on (1) changing community attitudes about elder abuse, (2) making Asian communities more accepting of survivors, particularly when women are the victims and (3) educating viewers on how to prevent and address elder abuse through easily accessible, entertaining and creative storytelling.

The Journey Begins...
I received a very generous grant from the Asian Women Giving Circle to begin this short film and the first public reading of that screenplay will be on August 18, 2015.  I invite anyone reading this blog to please come and give their feedback - positive or negative or in between!  It's all welcome.  The start of this journey has been made possible by my amazing grandma; the Asian Women Giving Circle, Larry Lee (the Executive Director of the Asian Women's Center who helped me tremendously in researching the topic of elder abuse; the help of the established and talented screenwriter Aaron Woolfolk, who took my rough draft screenplay and re-structured it and walked me through what a screenplay actually is; Erin Quill who provided me with an incredible star-studded cast for the first reading of the piece; all the incredible actors generously donating their time to give voice to this piece and start us out on the road; and, of course, my incredible significant other, who has supported me through all of this.  

So the journey begins!  I hope you will join me on it and I will continue to blog about the progress of the project!