Jennifer Betit Yen
Actor, "Recovering" Attorney and Author
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Time to Atone

2/26/2017

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Imagine it’s 1987 and an under-10 soccer league is playing a game.  As one little boy out dribbles another, the mother of the slower player shouts out to her son from the bleachers.  What does she shout?  Words of encouragement?  Frustration? 
 
On that day in 1987 (and, yes, this happened), the mother yelled out to her child, “Don’t let that nigger beat you.” 
 
This was 1987 in the good ol’ US of A.  To the best of my knowledge, nobody said anything to the mother.  The comment went without reaction and not a soul came to the defense of the little child who bore the brunt of the racial epithet as he tried to simply play a game with other children.
 
Over two decades after this happened, I asked the white boy from the game what happened after the shout.  He said, “I don’t know.  My mother knows what she said was wrong and she’s ashamed of it now.” 
 
As a woman of color, I know firsthand how it feels to be called derogatory names based on nothing more than eye shape or skin tone and how damaging, horrible and long-lasting those kinds of words can be.  Whoever said words can never hurt you was just…wrong.  I pushed back, “But didn’t you apologize to the other soccer player?  Did your mom apologize to him?  To his mom?”  The man was surprised by the questions.  “I don’t think so,” he said.  “That kid’s parents may not have even been there.  Some kids walked to those games without their parents.” 
 
This made my heart sink even more.  A child, under the age of 10, walks alone, to go play a game, where he is subject to a racial taunt by an adult.  “Did you look him up later?”  I persisted.  ‘What did you DO?”  The man had had enough of my interrogation.  He snapped, “No.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  I was a little kid.  I never said anything bad to anyone.  She said it and she’s sorry and it was a long time ago and we moved on.  Why are you judging me?”
 
Full stop.
 
This is very typical of many white people that I know and – full disclosure – I am half white and this is something I see among my friends and my family, people who are good to me and who I love.  What I see is white people patting themselves on the back for recognizing to themselves, privately, that calling a small child a “nigger” is wrong.  Patting themselves on the back for refraining from using a racial epithet to describe someone of a different skin color who annoys them or just happens to exist.  People who think it’s enough to just “move on” without apologizing or, well, atoning.  And if you call them on it, they become defensive and focused on themselves – that they are being attacked or judged – not on the actual bad act itself or the real victim of that bad act.
 
“Moving on” and not repeating that kind of bad act is not enough.  

What is needed is atonement.

Whites, particularly, need to atone and, before all of them freak out on me, I am not talking about giving up their homes or money or lives.  I am talking about taking small, constructive actions in their daily lives that they undertake as a conscious effort to make up for past wrongdoing.  I am talking about consciously using their “white privilege” to help others who don’t have that same kind of leeway in everyday life.
 
The history of slavery and discrimination in this country has left deep scars and wounds that still bleed.  Simply ignoring those wounds and saying, “Move on” will just result in more blood loss, literally and figuratively.  Too many white people openly embrace the cultural relics of a history seeped with atrocities from the Confederate flag to Colonel Reb at Ole Miss.[1]  When they do that, they say they are not embracing the history of slavery that they refuse to admit is inextricably intertwined with these symbols – much like the Nazi flag is now inextricably intertwined with the genocide committed against the Jewish people – and instead say they are celebrating Southern culture and heritage.  They fail to note it’s a celebration of only one aspect of Southern culture and heritage – one of slavery, domination, abuse, and violence.  No decent human being should be celebrating that.  A decent human being would be ashamed of that history and would take constructive action to eliminate the after effects and to prevent it from happening again.
 
To me, when whites display the Confederate flag, they are advertising racism or, at best, extreme ignorance.  It’s analogous to a German displaying the Nazi flag and saying it’s not because they’re anti-Semitic, it’s because they’re celebrating German history.  Mmm hmm.  Just a TAD disingenuous.
 
If you are not racist and if you are a good person, you recognize the bad things your culture and your society did and you take action to make it better.  You don’t have to be an activist attending rallies every weekend but you should do what you can do.  And just refraining from calling people awful names and patting yourself on the back for your restraint does not count.  You get no points for that.
 
I am ashamed of the Confederate flag and what it represents.  I think it is something to study in a history book and learn from in an effort not to repeat the same mistakes.  I certainly do not suggest celebrating it or decorating with it anymore than I would celebrate or decorate with a Nazi swastika.
 
Between 1877 and 1950, almost 4,000 blacks were lynched during a reign of racial terror perpetrated by whites against blacks in the southern United States.[2]   If you’re white, imagine the races were reversed and your race had been the victim of systemic racial terror over years and years and the blacks insisted on keeping all the vestiges and symbols of those “good days” and told you to “get over it.”  Can you do it?
 
In 2011, “Only two of the six Democrat and Republican governor hopefuls [said] they would consider moving the Confederate flag” … “in front of the South Carolina Statehouse.”[3]  It took a white racist shooting and killing nine black people, in 2015, while attending a bible study session in South Carolina, to get some officials to call for South Carolina to remove the confederate flag from South Carolina license plates.[4]  Really?  Nine people have to be killed in cold blood in a racially motivated attack to talk about taking down a representation of a history of racial violence?
 
Since 9/11, white right-wing terrorists have killed almost twice as many Americans in homegrown attacks than radical Islamists have.[5]  Police violence against blacks and others of color remains a serious and systemic problem.[6]   The deck is stacked against people of color in this country.  And just because we had a (half) black President doesn’t mean we’re in the clear (obviously – a candidate endorsed by the KKK succeeded him!).  What it means is that certain people are so exceptional they will rise to the top no matter what.  But for all us “normal” people, life may not be so easy.
 
It’s 2017 and the country remains embroiled in racism.  We have a racist, sexist, xenophobic president and the normalization of racism and xenophobia is back on the rise.  What does a decent person do?
 
Flags and other symbols aside, what about atonement?  Let’s go back to the woman and the children and that soccer game in 1987.  What about looking up that kid and saying sorry now?  With the power and reach of social media, her odds of finding him aren’t actually that impossible.
 
Why not do it?  Lazy?  Scared?  Embarrassed?
 
Or, what about taking some small action to help a similarly situated child since you can’t take it back and help that child from long ago anymore?  What about atoning in an active, constructive manner?
 
All of us have something – most of us have many things – we could atone for.  There are many ways to atone.  Sometimes, you cannot do it directly.  For example, maybe the woman can’t find the child anymore.  However, that doesn’t mean she should simply “move on.”  Thinking practically, creatively and outside of the box about ways to do this in ways that suit our particular personalities and talents would make far better use of our free time than just shoving old bad deeds under the rug and congratulating ourselves for not repeating them.  Is she a teacher?  Could she provide some gratis tutoring for a similarly situated youth?  What about volunteering in other ways?  Showing active and open support of diversity initiatives?  How can she use her particular skills to make life better for others in some small but measurable way?  Loudly and proudly insisting upon the removal of symbols of the reign of racial terror in the US to her political representatives? 
 
People should hold themselves accountable.  Acknowledgement of a wrong deed is a first step but it’s not enough if we’re ever going to come together.  There must be atonement.
 
Post Script

A Quick History of Slavery in America
“Slavery in America began when the first African slaves were brought to the North American colony of Jamestown, Virginia, in 1619, to aid in the production of such lucrative crops as tobacco. Slavery was practiced throughout the American colonies in the 17th and 18th centuries, and African-American slaves helped build the economic foundations of the new nation. The invention of the cotton gin in 1793 solidified the central importance of slavery to the South’s economy. By the mid-19th century, America’s westward expansion, along with a growing abolition movement in the North, would provoke a great debate over slavery that would tear the nation apart in the bloody American Civil War (1861-65). Though the Union victory freed the nation’s 4 million slaves, the legacy of slavery continued to influence American history, from the tumultuous years of Reconstruction (1865-77) to the civil rights movement that emerged in the 1960s, a century after emancipation.”
-http://www.history.com/topics/black-history/slavery
 
3,959 black people were killed in “racial terror lynchings” in a dozen Southern states between 1877 and 1950. 
-https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2015/02/10/even-more-black-people-were-lynched-in-the-u-s-than-previously-thought-study-finds/?utm_term=.ff60c48d2191
 
White on black violence remains a serious issue in the United States.  62 percent of young black people are more afraid of violence from “white extremists” than from ISIS.
-http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2016/08/white_on_black_violence_is_everywhere_says_ap.html#ixzz4Zq2zqh9y
 
Last, but not least, this isn’t just a black and white issue and, in addressing racism in this country, we also have to come face to face with the genocide and continued marginalization and abuse of the Native Americans, as well as the history of racism and abuse against other people of color – Asian Americans, etc. – and women.  There’s a lot of bad stuff out there, however, if we acknowledge, try to understand, open ourselves up to others who are different from us and, where we have done wrong, try to practically, constructively and creatively “atone,” then I think we will all be ok…some day.
 
[1] https://espn.go.com/page2/s/caple/030916.html

[2] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2015/02/10/even-more-black-people-were-lynched-in-the-u-s-than-previously-thought-study-finds/?utm_term=.ff60c48d2191

[3] http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/31/confederate-flag-south-ca_n_595256.html

[4] http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/23/georgia-confederate-flag-license-plates_n_7649026.html

[5] http://time.com/3934980/right-wing-extremists-white-terrorism-islamist-jihadi-dangerous/

[6]http://www.ohchr.org/EN/NewsEvents/Pages/DisplayNews.aspx?NewsID=17000&LangID=E

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Family Lessons

2/23/2017

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I was speaking with someone who asked me what the most valuable lessons I learned from my family members growing up were.  I thought it was a very interesting exercise that, when we think about it, tells us a lot about both our families and ourselves.  Here are the most valuable lessons four of my family members shared with me:
 
MY FATHER
I don’t recall how or why the topic came up, however, I was a 9-year-old who had a crush on a boy at school and my friends and I acted very silly and stupid to get the boy’s attention.  One day, after school, I candidly announced to my father that I intentionally acted stupid to make this boy like me.  My father’s face got very still and he said, “Acting as though you are not intelligent will not make any worthwhile boy like you.”  I was a very bratty 9-year-old and my flippant reply was, “Mom’s not smart and you like her!”  [Note:  my mother was, at that time, a stay at home mom and my 9-year-old brain equated not having a formal job with lack of intelligence – please forgive 9-year-old me.  I have changed a lot since then!].  My father looked right at me and said slowly, “Jennifer, your mother is a very intelligent woman.  Smart men like smart women.  You can act stupid, but then you will only get stupid boys, so, if you want to hang out with smart boys, you better act smart.”
 
Fast forward to high school.  Something terrible happened.  It couldn’t have been that bad since, now, I can’t even remember anything about it, however, at the time, it seemed like the worst disaster imaginable.  I went home and the only person there was my father.  I had to talk to someone so I poured my heart out, weeping.  He looked up from his work when I finally stopped for air and said simply, “This too will pass” and went back to work.  It was stunning in its simplicity and absolutely correct.  I have thought of that many times since when conflicts that seem awful arise, knowing that, as Margaret Mitchell wrote, “tomorrow is another day.”
 
MY IRISH GRANDMOTHER
I don’t recall how old I was – probably junior high – when my Irish grandmother gave me an envelope of money for a birthday or holiday, as she was wont to do.  This time, however, it came with some words of advice.  “Always have your own money,” she told me.  “Even when you’re married.  Always have money that is all your own.”

MY MOTHER
My elementary school best friend and I were playing "Hospital" with our younger siblings (they were the patients - poor kids).  I announced to my mother, "I am the nurse because I am a girl and Daniel is the doctor because he is a boy."  My mother said, "No, you be the doctor because you can be and he can be the nurse because that will be fun, don't you think?"  We were like, "Ok, sure!"  Later, she took me aside and said, "Never limit yourself for any reason.  Any job that there is, you can have it.  If you want to be a nurse, you can be a nurse.  But don't think you can't also be a doctor because you're a girl.  You can choose whatever you want to be."
 
MY CHINESE GRANDFATHER
My Chinese grandfather came from an extremely wealthy and privileged family.  He told me a story about how one of his brothers worried the family because he was so free with his money – having wild parties and going on shopping sprees – and everyone disapproved.  My grandfather, on the other hand, saved all his money and was very frugal.  The Communist Revolution happened and my grandfather’s family lost pretty much every penny.  My grandfather laughed when he told me this story and said the spendthrift brother might have been right after all, since at least he was able to enjoy his money while he had it.  “Jenny, do save your money.  I am not telling you to spend it unwisely, but also always remember to have fun,” he said.  He advised me to be penny-wise so that I could be pound-foolish, to save on little daily things, but then to splurge on wonderful travel and experiences.  I’ve never regretted taking his advice.
 
I’d love to hear other people’s family lessons if you want to share!



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My New Obsession:  Cyrah’s Au Naturale Bath & Body Products

2/3/2017

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I am constantly on the lookout for luxurious body products that are not just effective, but actually healthy and good for you; cruelty-free, vegan, organic, and, of course, that smell wonderful.  As you can imagine, finding this type of product can be a bit like finding a unicorn.  Well, I found a brand that actually does it all.  It’s handmade in tiny batches in the founder’s kitchen using only premium, organic butters and oils that smell delicious, look beautiful, make your skin feel amazing, and actually improve the health of your skin – not just its appearance. 
 
This winter did a number on my skin and I was getting rough, red, irritated spots which were driving me crazy.  I happened to be at a health food store in Manhattan and a pretty glass jar caught my eye, promising a body butter made of organic avocado butter, meadowfoam and green tea (all ingredients whose many health benefits I am familiar with) that was vegan and cruelty free.  I picked it up and a delicious vanilla scent sold me at once.  I bought it and tried it the next day.  The body butter turned from a soft, ultra light mousse in my hand to a sultry oil on my arms and legs.  I smelled wonderful and my skin was so soft.  The patchy dryness vanished.  I was hooked.
 
A few weeks later, so impressed by the product was I that I tracked down the founder and creator of the brand - Cyrah’s Au Naturale – to see if she’d tell me her story.  She obliged and it’s so neat, I have to share it with you:
 
Mom, Businesswoman and Nature-Lover
Shellaine Plunkett, the creator of Cyrah’s Au Naturale, is the proud mama of a 9-year-old daughter, a businesswoman and a nature lover.  About 4 years ago, she began experiencing strange rashes and had trouble breathing.  Doctors told her she had allergies, however, none of the medications they gave her - from allergy shots to Benadryl - worked.  Shellaine, a native of Jamaica, who grew up a nature lover surrounded by grass and trees, had never had allergies before and, with Western medicine failing her, began to seek holistic remedies.  She spent years researching oils, butters, natural remedies, nutrition, and ways to take care of the body in a “clean,” chemical-free and holistic manner.  Over time, she discovered the only way to guarantee purity of products and ingredients was to make them herself.  Because her daughter, Cyrah, loves being her mom’s little sidekick and helping to make the products, Shellaine decided to call them after her.  Cyrah’s Au Naturale was born.
 
Starting Up
There was a lot of trial and error in the beginning, including a day when the top of a bottle of essential oil came loose and the entire bottle emptied into the Shea Butter Shellaine was melting, ruining her entire batch of lotion.  Another time, the lid came loose off the blender, covering Shellaine, her daughter and the entire kitchen with avocado butter. 
 
To Shellaine, the most important aspect of her products is their integrity.  She will not use an ingredient that is not organic.  Being “natural” is not enough.  When I asked about this she reminded me that “So-called natural products can contain synthetics.  I will not put synthetics in my products.”  All her ingredients must be responsibly and ethically sourced, cruelty free, organic, and of the highest quality or she just won’t use them.  These are the products she puts on her skin and her daughter’s skin so, she explains, they must be pure and safe and healthy. 
 
The products are all plant-based and she uses essential oils as natural preservatives.  Some of Shellaine’s favorite go-to ingredients are tea tree oil, Vitamin E and Rosemary, all of which preserve the product and are good for the skin.  Although the products come in a range of fragrances, the fragrances are created through infused essential oils, not chemical perfumes.
 
Cyrah and the Brand Mentality
Shellaine’s little girl, Cyrah, is the inspiration for these organic, holistic bath and body luxuries.  Cyrah, a sparkly-eyed, energetic 9-year-old, particularly loves the lotion bars she makes with her mom – a pretty-shaped solid bar that “gives you a massage as you use it!” 
 
To Shellaine, the business is an opportunity not just to create and market a great product that is good for people, the planet and animals, but a way to bond with and teach her daughter.  They create the products together and test them out together.  “The business means so much to me because I’m doing it for her,” Shellaine explains, referring to Cyrah.  “This is something for her to have one day to call her own.  A legacy to leave for her.”
 
The Products
Right now, Shellaine (with Cyrah’s help!) makes every single product personally.  She manages to keep her price point low by doing it all herself based on a passion for authentically organic and pure products.  Currently, there are eight Cyrah’s Au Naturale body and hair luxuries and Shellaine plans to add soaps to the offerings by March 2017:
 
For HAIR
1.  
Hair Fix Shellaine’s very first concoction and the one that turned Cyrah’s Au Naturale from a hobby into a business: an organic hair butter made with essential oils which enhance the healing properties in of the Shea butter.

2.  
Peppermint Oil for the Hair This is Shellaine’s best selling product.  It’s good for men and women (for men with thinning hair, the peppermint oil is really great for reducing build up on the scalp that can lead to clogged, irritated hair follicles and hair loss!). 

3.  
Hot Oil Treatment Crafted with deeply penetrating essential oils that repair, restore and revive dead hair, this heat activated, triple enriched formula conditions and soothes the scalp and hair.  And it’s only $10(!!!!)

For BODY
1.  
Whipped Body Butter My personal favorite.  The vanilla infused fragrance will make you want to eat it.  Shellaine said it moisturizes for 24 hours, however, I think it actually works for longer than that.  It’s AMAZING.

2.  
Body Oil Cold-pressed oils handmade to order for use in a hydrating massage or as a moisturizer.  Shellaine uses jojoba oil, avocado oil, bergamot, rose, lavender, lemongrass, orange, lime, and tangerine oils to make these delectable oils.  The rose one has actual dried organic rose petals in it and is as pretty as it is healthy and effective.

3.  
Lotion Bar This is the one little Cyrah uses every day because it is a quick, easy and mess-free hydrator.  Shaped like a little flower, the lotion bar is too cute for words.

4.  
Hand Salve This is packaged in a tin for easy use and you can rub it on your elbows, knees, feet – anywhere your skin is rough and needs some TLC.  It smells like soft, bright, happy citrus.  This one is vegetarian as opposed to vegan because it contains beeswax.

5.  
Body Scrubs Crafted with raw Shea butter for deep hydration and the finest Blue Mountain Jamaican coffee grounds and organic brown sugar for gentle but effective exfoliation and cold pressed oils, this one is particularly good for folks with eczema or cellulite (the coffee grounds!!!  I’ve blogged about their benefits in this area before!).
 
Wonderful Products Made by a Wonderful Human Being
One of the nicest things for me is using a wonderful product that I love while knowing at the same time it is sustainable, cruelty-free and organic.  It’s practically a miracle when I can add that I had the honor of personally meeting the product’s creator and discovered she is such a genuine, kind, nice human being!  I couldn’t recommend her or her products more!
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    Immigrants: Not Quite by Ada Cheng
    Immigrants: Home of the Brave by Avantika Rao
    Immigrants:  George by Riti Sachdeva
    Lhasa Apso by Roman Sotelo
    Immigrants:  A Story by Rosa Soy
    Immigrants:  A Story by Valery Valtrain
    Immigrants:  Us me vs. Them ME by Widelyne Laporte
    Immigrants:  No, I'm OK

    In Defense of Eddie Huang
    Normalizing Gender Based Violence
    Real History
    Remedial Race Education
    The Math Professor who Gave Me a Back Massage
    What's in a Name?
    Who is Chloe Wang and Does it Matter?
    #YellowFace
    Welcome to the New Normal
    White Supremacy, The Irony of
    Words Matter: Mirror
    Words Matter:  Language


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    Santorini in 4 Parts:
    Santorini I:  When and What to Bring
    Santorini II: The Food
    Santorini III: Adventure
    Santorini IV: Relax and Spa
    SeaWorld:  An Open Letter

    The Maldives
    Traveling and One's Face
    40 before 40
    Vegan in Vail


    Misc Mayhem
    A Despot for the Holidays
    A Lobster Tale
    A Love Letter
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    My Mortifying Victoria's Secret Swimsuit Moment
    No, I'm OK
    Ode to Nice People
    Oils for Your Skin
    Raymond Betit, The Family Man
    Recycling
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    The C Word
    The Safety Pin and the Nazi
    The Soldier Poet
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